Wednesday, September 7, 2011

K.D. Lang Bear

K.D. Lang Bear didn't get sick of dick, but he got sick of men. I mean bears. He got sick of bears. So he did that lesbian thing that many bears do in middle age. They stop. They stop all bear activities. No more bear bars. No more bear retreats in the woods. No more scouting for cubs or bigger bears who can wrap their arms around them and still have miles of arms to spare. They take up a decent lesbian activity like television. Or tennis. Or television tennis. Or ikebana. Sometimes they write a book about an admiral or a water plant. They visit countries where the admiral visited or where the water plant migrated. They have failed at being a bear. But they have, to their credit, become a successful lesbian. And if you think one is better than the other, you are a terrible Snob and should be beaten about the head with your silly double dong. K.D. Lang bear rediscovered the purity of childhood at the heart of chastity. And he did it without cutting off his penis. Like the Heaven's Gate people did. Which is an even greater feat. K.D. Lang Bear didn't let himself go. He still appreciated things like cold green beans in a pot from last night, eaten one at a time with a fork. K.D. Lang Bear would practice zazen sitting in the middle of his kitchen. In the middle of the night. Bearsex was like an orchid that denied it was a pussy even though you could clearly see the clitoris. That clitoris like an elevator button. And the mad impatience of bears when they're waiting for the elevator to come. Push. Push. Push.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Soy Lecithin Bear

Soy Lecithin Bear had decided to live a good and virtuous life. And this is why, like his namesake, he was never really noticed. Except in the odd moments when another bear would accidentally bump into him, run over him or accidentally sleep with him. But Soy Lecithin had chosen to ride a moral unicorn down the bearpath. The only truly surprising thing was that he was not a church organist. Soy Lecithin had a recurring nightmare in which he would turn into a gay beachball and be passed from bear to bear. But Soy Lecithin's dreams were worrying needlessly. Bear angels would watch over him all the days of his life, yawning and blessing him.

Spock Bear Was Eating at 3 O'Clock in the Morning

Spock Bear was drunk and eating cat food. He didn't know it was cat food. He thought he was eating granola. He was wearing a purple pimp hat he had bought at the thrift store earlier that day for 3 bucks. It even had the tall purple pimp feathers. Try to say that five times fast. Then Spock Bear played grabass with his cat. His cat who had AIDS. It wasn't a big deal. Cats get it all the time. They go on living. Spock Bear picked up the cat and danced with it. He kissed it on the mouth. He sang a song to the cat and the cat grew nervous. Cats don't really like to be held by drunken bears. Or to have someone sing to them. Spock Bear could be quite annoying to many different species. He would often tell coworkers that his cat had AIDS, to gauge their humanity. He would usually specify that it wasn't "fullblown AIDS." His cat was merely F.I.V.-positive. With a stress-free lifestyle, his cat could live a long and productive life. "What is a "stress-free lifestyle?" he wondered. What is "long and productive" for that matter? And then Spock Bear would wonder about bear breeding parties. The idea that a young bear could be lonely for a fatal disease. Was a very troubling, sexy idea. Not good sexy. Evil sexy. And bears know all about evil sexy. Bears are the Travelocity.com of evil sexy. Spock Bear also liked to tell people about that deaf, black lesbian who cut up her lesbian rival with a chainsaw in the basement of her apartment house. She bought the chainsaw the day after she got her disability check. She had to wait to murder her rival. For that check. Premeditation and rage and money and "love currency" and jealousy and chainsaws are all the same thing. Well, they're on a continuum anyway. Spock Bear tried to tell the story so people understood the moral. But they usually just acted surprised that there was such a thing as a black, deaf, lesbian murderer. As if they felt nature should have the good taste to avoid creating such multiple minorities...the way she allegedly abhors a vacuum. And they all cringed, because they felt like this murderer was really turning back the clock. An angry black woman with an ax or chainsaw is so 1974. Maybe this is because her lover was a white woman and when this white woman broke up with the black woman, this white woman took up with another white woman. Except she didn't. They were just friends. They played cards together. They had no congress with one another's carpet. There was no delicious munching of moss. The other woman wasn't even a lesbian. But these little details are always discovered after a body has been sectioned into six or ten pieces. One had to admit it all came off sounding more than a little bit Little Black Sambo. But Spock Bear tried to imbue the story with the pathos it deserved. As if Little Black Sambo had been rewritten by Flaubert. Something nice like that. A Lemon Pledge of the mind.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Nasterly Bear

Nasterly Bear had a good short life. He died when his parachute failed to open in an art museum. Many considered this a glamorous death. Nasterly Bear was extremely fated. He didn't use the words fate or fated himself. But every bear around him did. Sure enough did. Nasterly Bear made black cats so nervous they would run out in traffic and be squashed rather than let him come anywhere near them. Nasterly Bear's siblings, aunts and uncles altered the family tree on BearAncestry.com to try to confuse Nasterly into thinking he was born an "only bear" and had "no significant bear relations." Nasterly Bear's fortune cookies would spontaneously combust right there in the Chinese restaurant as soon as he opened them. The fortunes would be burnt to a crisp. Nasterly would just shrug. But the other bears seated at the table with him would stare at him with absolute horror. Sometimes Nasterly would get bear stigmata and bleed from all four paws. This might happen while he was grocery shopping or just on the telephone. Nasterly Bear was encouraged by fortunetellers to run his credit into the ground. Now. Today. Do it fast. They would tell him. The fortuneteller would say this while holding his paw tightly and staring deeply into it. Their feathered turbans shaking. The generous fortunetellers.

Ramses the Bearoh

Ramses the Bearoh had 1,037 cubs by 492 she-bears. Ramses left these cubs all over creation. Ramses the Bearoh actually only entered the bear community for the free babysitting. And he managed to get a number of cubs adopted. So his bear support was reduced to an amount that might reasonably be paid by 2,803 bears working full time and part time jobs for 718 years. But Ramses the Bearoh was psychotically optimistic in the way that certain drugs make one. And psychotic optimism can go a long way. In the bear community and anywhere else. If you dig a hole deep enough and long enough, you might become a reality show. You might end up on a postcard like the Great Crater Lake. Ramses the Bearoh wasn't really all that vain. Only his penis was.

Natterly Bear

Natterly Bear once rode through three different United States in a taxi because he just wasn't sure. He tried to run when he heard the fare, but a concerned citizen wrestled him to the ground. Natterly is not the most intimidating bear. In fact, he is a rather metrosexual bear. Metrosensual, he will tell you. Natterly Bear likes to take photographs of pears on his dining room table. The dining room table is not an actual dining room table but a prop. It can be folded up to the size of a box of cereal. And this is what Natterly does when no other bears are around. He "breaks set." The pear is presumably real. But one cannot be sure. The only way to know is to watch for mottling. It's the same way with Natterly Bear. Other bears are not certain whether he is real or not. So they watch for mottling. If mottling occurs, we may infer that Natterly Bear is (most likely) real. If mottling does not occur, he may just be "passable." He may be a faux-bear, the way a faux-pear is found in a furniture showroom. The bear community has not come to a consensus. This in itself is a very unusual state of affairs, since the bear community is almost always ripe with consensus. If you encounter Natterly on your travels, please congratulate him on being a Mystery Bear. And please email me to tell me if you noticed any bear mottling.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Paisley Bear

Paisley Bear wore a lot of paisley. It was "his thing." He had paisley wallpaper on his cell phone, paisley underwear, a black-and-white wallpapered paisley bathroom-- very sixties--in his house, which was filled with other paisley things. And of course he had a closet and an antique wardrobe too filled with paisley shirts and pants. Paisley shoes he ordered from Zappos.com. Paisley Bear's house was referred to as Haight-Ashbury by other bears. Paisley Bear would talk about his Scottish sojourn in the town of Paisley, and he would explain the eponymous nature of the word paisley to any bear who would listen. Paisley Bear would tell you that "the pattern is sometimes called 'Persian pickles' by American traditionalists, especially quiltmakers, or 'Welsh pears' in Welsh textiles as far back as 1888." He would tell you that John Lennon commissioned a paisley-painted Rolls Royce in 1967. Paisley Bear was a walking Paisleypedia. Paisley wore a sort of Asperger's toque. The emotions in his mind were as paisley as Morrissey's lyrics. He wore dark paisley-covered sunglasses in the Bear bar. Every bear was pretty sure Paisley Bear couldn't see a thing. This was probably therapeutic. Not seeing anything at all is often the best therapy available to any bear. But you should still be there. I mean physically. It's a form of moral support or something. So Paisley Bear led a "sitting it out" sort of life. Some bears found Paisley creepy, but most bears just considered Paisley weather. He had been accused of ineffable sadness by some lovers and ineffable joy by other lovers. Paisley would smile and the lovers would scream and then leave him. And then Paisley would dress in paisley and go out and drink moderately. Some applauded Paisley's moral support for the Bear bar. Again: just Being There. Something the Bear Suicide Fan Club bears couldn't quite figure out. Babs, that yenta of gurlesque Crayola emotions, was correct. The mirror does have two faces. Just like most bears.